the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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