she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
