I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
