Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
