Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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