Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Terrible idea I love it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
