He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
