If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
