Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
