My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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