Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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