You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
