Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
