Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
