you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
