the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
