i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
