Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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