Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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