I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
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Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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