Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
