That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
