that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
