fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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