Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
