Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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