i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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