Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
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Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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