Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
