and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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