I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
