He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
