I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
