so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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