Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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