Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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