A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
