Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
