problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
