3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
