my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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