i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
