woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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