My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
PANTIES FOUND
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