ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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