I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
