she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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