Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
