Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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