So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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