It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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