So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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