Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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