Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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